Some years ago I was in a rush to get to the bus station to get home. I was late out of work and was rushing to the Europa Bus Station in Belfast. While making my way along Shaftsbury Square I encountered a young man, in a sleeping bag, in a doorway begging for money. As I passed him I noticed his hand outstretched. The only money I had with me was my bus fare. As I approached him, I heard one word uttered, “Please”.
Somehow, this caught me off guard and I stopped. It felt as though while everything was moving on, time for us stood still. As though the entire universe had been put on hold for one brief moment, waiting for one person’s response.
I put the money into his hand and met his eyes. The tears were welling up in them. His hand clasped around mine. We just stood there for a moment, which lasted an eternity, with me holding his hand in broad daylight, in a packed street, and him crying. All I could say was “Thank you”.
I’ve thought back on this moment many times over the years and it was one that came to mind just recently while reflecting on where our society is at present. Whether we like it or not; as a human race, right now we are divided. Whether that is division through localised violent conflicts, religious intolerance, deteriorating global peace, or climate change. We are divided.
As Dr King told us, “We have guided missiles and misguided men.” Never before in human history has there been a time in which the virtues of kindness, compassion, nonviolence, a respect for diversity and understanding are needed more than ever.
Right across the world at present we are experiencing an extreme deficit of empathy. That is, the ability and (importantly) willingness to see the world from another’s perspective, and even in its most extreme form, to feel what the other is feeling. Empathy transcends almost every other expression of human connection and is never, ever, easy.
As an example. sympathy can be easy. It can be easy to feel sorry for someone. It can be easy to put a hand on their shoulder and tell them “It’s going to be ok.” It can be easy to weep for someone. It can be easy to feel sorry for the beggar on the street. This is not to diminish the importance of sympathy for others in a time of need; but as humans, we can do more. In this age of social media, sympathy sends good vibes.
Charity can be easy. It can be easy to offer a word of welcome, or to put a hand in our pocket and make a charitable donation to someone begging in the street. Again, this not to diminish the importance of the expression of charity towards others; but again, as humans, we can do more. Our intention can go further.
Empathy, on the other hand, is never easy. It isn’t meant to be easy, which is precisely the point. Empathy does not ask “What can I do for this person?” but rather, “What needs does this fellow human have, and how can I meet them?” Empathy is nothing more or less than the supreme expression of any relationship.
Whether in business, civic society, or politics, the relationship that can be forged through empathy can withstand anything. There is an inevitable consequence of empathy; in meeting the needs of another, we ourselves (or our organisation, or political party) are enriched.
The business owner who does not treat their staff as a mere function, but people, and recognises their dignity and human needs, hears their concerns, hopes, and aspirations and can put themselves in their shoes, will soon find themselves with a staff team who will want to work harder to help support the organisation.
The politician who is willing to lead with empathy will have an actively listening ear. They will treat their political adversaries as people, with whom they share a common interest: the common good. In a system of representative democracy (such as we have in Northern Ireland) this is by no means easy. However, the one who leads with empathy, who can admit they were wrong and seeks to make amends, will soon find themselves with a voter base who recognise their shared humanity and will have a leader that they can trust.
What is the alternative to empathy? The current deficit which we are living through is having more serious consequences than we can begin to imagine. This deficit results in deepening division, entrenching positions, and suspicion. We do not feel listened to; we feel voiceless, and that we cannot participate in our civilisation.
This tears at the fabric of society, and chips away at our feelings of inclusion, and allows a sense of exclusion to take root. Finally, inexorably, stumbling voiceless and isolated, we ask ourselves, “What is the point anyway?”
The deficit of empathy has created an abyss of apathy. This abyss soon begins to be filled with intolerance, bigotry and violence. All of which seek to dehumanise, belittle and suppress.
Do we believe that what is happening in Gaza right now affects us? No, of course not. Yet, could we stand beside someone who has been crushed by carpet bombs, stand by them as they die and watch as their skin is burnt from their still living bodies, and smell the very real smell of death on them. If we can justify this in Gaza, why not at home?
Many would advocate in favour of the death penalty that is taking place somewhere else in the world. However, I challenge you to justify the death penalty and stand with the condemned; watch as this person is dehumanised, defecates themselves through fear, hear their cries for mercy and see the total fear in their eyes. If we can justify that in America, why not here at home?
Until we commit ourselves, all of us, fully and without reservation to the building up of a society that is fair, equal and recognises the rights of all, then we are going to be trapped in an ever worsening deficit of empathy. The abyss will continue to fill with the worst expressions of intolerance, bigotry and violence.
By actively choosing the better way, we offer those around us a new way of being. There is real strength in this, which makes sense as this is the most difficult path to choose! It is literally, the path of most resistance!
Let’s call this process for what it is, Empathy. Empathy that begins in the human heart, follows through to the human mind, and expresses through our words and actions towards ourselves and others.
Where we create the conditions by which young people will want to stay in school for as long as possible. Where we do not give up on anyone as being “just a thug” but rather we meet them, find their needs and address how we can meet them. We can posit the alternative that says, “you are a valued member of society, and you have something to offer.”
If we take that first step with empathy, the momentum we can build up will be strong enough to withstand any force. Every single life is sacred. Regardless of one’s station in life, regardless of creed, colour, sexuality, gender, your life is precious, cherished and should be defended.
Many years ago, I held the hand of a man in the street and gained something far greater than the sympathy or charity I gave. Recognition of our shared humanity. That is something that never leaves me. Therefore, I challenge you to give it a try. Consciously seek the way of empathy. It will enrich your life, and the lives of others, in ways you never thought possible or dared hope for.
The universe is on hold, waiting for you to make a decision, just as it did for me. Take a leap. Lead with empathy and watch what happens. Trust me, it’s worth it, and so are you.
Dominic O’Reilly, Class of 2021
